It is thus a week later that we present ourselves at the bride's house, in the neighbouring village of Kabalabougou. We are wearing traditional clothes, the 'boubous', that we had to buy the day before in the Bamako souk. If Delphine's boubou is rather discrete, my boubou, although comfortable, seems way too big and I cannot prevent myself from feeling ridiculous! I will eventually feel better. In Africa, the ridiculous does not kill, and a toubabou (`white man') who gets dressed in a boubou is very rare and daring, so very well welcomed by the local population!
As soon as we arrived, we are introduced to the bride, who as in our customs is dressed all in white. Each guest must greet her and pose for a souvenir picture. The groom arrives 45 minutes later, and here we go again with the pictures.
Around us, it is full of women wearing their traditional boubou. Some are chatting, other singong praising songs. The ambiance is fascinating. Very quicly we get surrounded by a hord of kids willing to touch us, take our hands and cling to our legs. As 'toubabous', we always fascinate the children. At the beginning apprehensive, they tame us thereafter, then do not release us for a second.
Already in the first week of our stay in Mali, we had the honor to be invited to a Malian traditional wedding. Néné, with whom we worked on our microfinance projects and who quickly became our friend, once again filled us with joy when she invited us to her niece's wedding.
The marriage was planned to happen on the Sunday of our arrival. First surprise: less than 24hrs before the D-day, we are told that the wedding has been pushed back to another week. Why? Because the future couple had not agreed yet on the choice of polygamy. Astonishing, not? We wonder who was for and who was against…
Finally the bride's parents convincde their daughter to follow the Mali's traditions: allowing polygamy into the wedding.
Towards 10.30am, we leave the bride's house to get to the direction the town hall. It is a big mess there. Several couples are to be married. The town hall is full, and we have to wait outside.
Suddenly, a group of about fifteen young people rush in while running, over-excited and armmed with nailed sticks in their hands. They arrive at the same time as another car from which a young groom gets off escorted by police officers. The bride painfully manages to enter the town hall, while the police officers protect her from the angry men gang. I am then told that the group of excited men were opposed to the marriage and tried to kidnap the bride. It took 45 minutes for the group to dissipate, apparently thanks to a financial agreement with the groom.
Watching the scene, I feel the determination and the violence of his young people, all with piercing stares, tough face flooded with perspiration. They are all very musculated, their veins inflate, they seem to be taken by a crisis of maddness. I cannot prevent myself from thinking of civil wars in Africa, where rebels, militia, or other groups start killing without thinking. These images remain in my minds for a while and I struggle to get rid of them...
Soon we hear some music afar. On a small place in the village, musicians are testing a sound system. Twenty minutes later, the place fills up with a hundred of women and children.
For the 6 next hours, big ambiance!! I am glad to be accepted among these women who let themselves singing, dancing and having fun. Much more amusing that the men remaining sitted under the trees doing nothing.
The music band is composed of 5 musicians: 3 percussionnists and 2 singers.
On program the same ritual is repeated every 5 minutes: the singers dedicate a song to a woman, approach her and sing her words of Allah. The other women will in turn take the arm of the praised woman, and raise it in the air. At the end of 2 minutes, the women rise and dance in a queue led by the praised woman. After 2 other minutes, the rhythm from the percussions accelerates and everyone starts to get excited and dance frantically. My favourite passage!! These 30 last seconds spent, everyone returns in place and the next song starts.
We hear the sames agin and again, but plunged in this new fascinating environment, we do nt get weary at all! The women are splendid in their traditional boubous . The young as well as the older ones dance, everyone seem happy. The children are also having fun taking part in the dancing.
We will also have our turn of dance. Delphine Traore is called out, praised by the singer, and we all go dancing together! For the frantic dancing period, I totally free myself and dance wildly, amusing everyone who start cheering and clapping. It was an unforgettable moment!
The ceremony will be intersected by a meal at our friend's house, Néné. From the bride's house, everyone serves themselves and eat furthe away in groups. On the menu: the 'Riz au gras', or rice with stewed fish. Yummy yummy.
At 4pm, while Delphine remains with the women dancing, I go to the mosque to attend the religious wedding - but without the newlyweds! In the mosque, where only men turn up, the witnesses and parents of the newlyweds read out praises on the absent couple. After 30 minutes, it is already finished. I acknowledge being a little bit disappointed of this first experiment in a mosque, I was awaiting it greatlly!
After the mosque, I go back to see Delphine, and a few minutes later, Lassine, a friend an employee of ALAD our volunteering charity, comes to seek us and brings back for us to the house. The party is over, but what a day!!
After 1h30 of waiting outside the town hall, we return to the bride's house, but without the newlyweds. We will not see them again this day!
We notice that guest men and women keep separate. The women remain in the garden. The men are outside in the village and gather in small groups under the shade of the trees.
Before we went to the wedding, we had already heard and discussed on this thorny topic. For us Europeans, it is hard to understand this tradition which still very 'respected' in Africa. Too far from our social system, and in contradiction with the liberalization of women, their rights and desire of independence. To me, at first, as being a bit macho, it made me smile, and especially while the topic was discussed by the polygamous men themselves. We met many men claiming full of pride that they had several women. Listening to the women speaking, we smile far much less. Some stories are chocking and deeply moved us.
If polygamy attracts many men, it is also question of resources. Indeed, to be polygamous, a man must have enough money to pay the various weddings, feed his wives and children (the average number of children per woman in Mali is 7) and have enough room in his house to accomodate everyone. Some men will tell us they they wanted more wives but could not 'afford' them...
Those with money will generally choose the luxury of `paying' themselves several women. The term is hard, but here, polygamy is a reality and a very deeply rooted custom. The morning, on our way to school, we sees many households occupied by several women and many children. We can see sometimes the man leaving to work, letting behind him his wives and their hords of children.
Seen from the women's point of view, it is tough. If some accept the tradition and live it by faith, others are badly unhappy and would like thnigs to change. The majority of the marriages are arranged, and thus the women often has to accept the choice of their husband. Later on, she will undoubtdely live in the fear that their husband, one day, will return home with another woman.
One day at scholl we had a discussion with a teatcher. He boasts his family situation: he has 3 wives, and tells us with pride that they get along wonderfully. They eat together, sleep together… In short, they divide all and share everything. Wao, what a life!
It is certain though that in many households, even if polygamy is accepted as a tradition, there are tensions. Some men tell us not wanting several women just to avoid the quarrels. One woman, already, is too much much of a job!
Discussing with women, we hear tough stories. Some women, once married, are abandonned by their husband who gives them up financially. These women must feed their children, feed themselves, and maintain the home, but have no ressources. The men, who sometimes are the only ones to work, keep their money to feed themselves only. They eat during the day, come back home filled up but with nothing to their family. Seeing these households of 10 to 20 children, seeing the bad conditions and health issues, we understands the distress in these women and feel sorry for them.
It sometimes happened to us to tease the men by asking the fatal question: 'And what if women did the same and get more husbands?' All answer to us amused and with the same response: is is just NOT possible. Against nature and tradition. Against the law. Polyandry maybe exists, but surely not in Mali.
